Search for beauty

"Beauty comes from giving personal expression to deep currents within us."

Ian Roberts in Creative Authenticity

I have changed this post since I first put it up earlier this afternoon. Kitty Wallis sent me an insightful email in which she helped me focus again on what I am doing here in the studio. Thank you, Kitty, for taking the time to read and inquire and comment and communicate! I appreciate you so much!

In the photo above you can see some of the explorations I have done in the last few days. Taking those simple shapes from my color sketches and notan and feeling my way around them. Some are better than others. Some are really awful. One or two are ready for frames. If they were all good, I would know that I am not pushing hard enough, exploring deep enough, lifting and reaching beyond what I know to what I am trying to know.

This is a part of my search for beauty.

In my own mind, beauty is imperfect, and unapologetic about it. Beauty is honest without cruelty. Beauty is compelling. Transcendent. And utterly irresistible.

Depth of the soul

"Our painting will only be as deep as the depth we uncover in ourselves."
Ian Roberts in Creative Authenticity

I had just played Chopin's Nocturne 20 in a Master Class for Dr. Bela Nagy. When I finished, I could hear the sound of pages turning in the auditorium. Others in the class brought their scores to follow along as I played and to write down Dr Nagy's comments (to me) on their own music.

"Fine," he said. "Now, tell me what were you thinking while you played?"

"Thinking?" I faltered. "I guess I was thinking of the notes and trying not to be distracted by sounds in the audience. I was thinking that for once my palms weren't sweating while playing for you and I was hoping I wouldn't make bumbles on the runs at the end."

As I spoke, Dr. Nagy shook his large head at me, so that his shock of gray hair fell over his forehead. He forced it back with an impatient raking motion.

"No!" He nearly shouted. "No! No! No! These are the very things you must NOT think of when you play the Chopin." His thick Hungarian accent was more pronounced when he spoke with passion, as he did then. "You must reach inside yourself and feel the cold winter night. You must reach inside and feel the sad longing for a lover who has left you. Maybe forever. But, maybe not," he raised one eyebrow and then quickly winked. "This is how you play. More than the notes. You play your soul."

And with that, he opened the lid of the concert grand piano so that it was fully open on its long support, he walked off the stage, sat down, and swept his arm in a gesture for me to begin.

I was about to start when he jumped up, "Wait! Wait!" I put my hands in my lap and drew in a deep breath. "You, " he said, pointing to those sitting in the auditorium. "Put away your music. All of you. Away. Away! Do not open it! And close your eyes and listen." There followed a low murmuring and rustling as they complied. When all was silent, I began. Again.

Tears streamed from my eyes as I played the second time. By the time I finished, I was nearly sobbing. Dr Nagy came up to the stage and held me in a long embrace while the audience stood and clapped and clapped and wept.